Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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