I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
