I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
