if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
