Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
