Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
