ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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