The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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