Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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