apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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