so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize