God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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