Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
