so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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