can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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