my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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