put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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