i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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