ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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