i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
