You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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