Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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