I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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