i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
