When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
