You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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