I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize