I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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