I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
