Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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