Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
