Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
