Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
