Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Farmville is her only friend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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