This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
