i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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