i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
