I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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