3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
: south campus drug res life name erik. Love, tran
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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