her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
