Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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