I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
