I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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