I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
