My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
