Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
