He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i think my cat just said my name.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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