New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
