is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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