when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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