About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
