I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
