you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
