If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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