Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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