So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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