Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
