just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
