it hurts more in the daytime
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
