Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
